A Letter to Love Yourself

You tears will sow the soil where you stepped,

And all of the Earth’s elements will return to itself.

The energy of pain has not been lost to nothing.

That growth has been given to everything that is missing.

 

Love will not be lackluster,

For people will love you despite all your plunder.

And your flaws will never feel like a chasm between you and others

Because flaws made the stories that you will both remember.

 

Love all your relationships without holding back—no matter how small—

But you have already done that,

Which is why you are sad.

 

No accumulation of flaws can ever be enough to make you worth less than.

Your resilience to heartbreak and disappointment will always make you a whole and better person.

 

And you have known what sacrifice looks like your whole life

As you patiently wait for The One to finally arrive.

 

Now you want that person to see all that you have given.

Yet,

Despite your abundance and warmth,

You often feel like a skeleton.

 

Harried and hollow,

Still searching for a haven to rest your head safely,

Weep your tears and freely express your sorrow.

 

Nothing.

Nobody.

 

Nothing is ever enough to win their affection.

If they ever made you work for it,

Then it was already lost from the beginning.

 

You sought the light in others that you hoped others would do for you.

A light that is loud and unfiltered.

Unbothered by the perceived compatibilities of your spectrums,

Giving only white light commitment.

A light that does not believe that things are ugly,

Which is also not afraid to meet you in places that are uncomfy.

 

You have already made yourself vulnerable to them.

Please just make it as painless as possible.

Just hand us a life vest before this ship sinks.

Don’t steer us into an iceberg while saying you love me.

 

You are looking for the patience to love you through all this.

You bury yourself in all these good memories,

The Bad sometimes still lingering at your fingertips.

 

It’s like a sci-fi movie

What these memories do to you.

You are transported back every time wondering how you could have changed the truth.

Make them change their mind.
But

It was already made up.

Nothing you can do.

 

You can only hope that karma will return the kindness,

But you wish karma could grant you blindness,

So that you would never be blinded by love again.

 

It’s easier to be cold,

But just the slightest bit of warmth is enough to light your hopes.

Without much hesitation you will go back to kindling the fire

Crafting that dangerous cycle of despair and desire.

 

I could go on and tell you more,

But I know this is not the kind of love you are looking for.

I don’t want to see you do what you would never let me do to myself.

Let’s forget all our troubles,

Remember our own advice.

And accept that our mistake was in being too nice.

Too patient.

Too kind.

 

Your hand has been mangled

Bruised

Beaten

Neglected

Scarred

Before you ever let go.

Even though you were the one to cut ties

You were the one who hurt the most.

 

I could never hold myself together if I didn’t have you.

You’re my last resort and my first love too.

You taught me that patience and pain are what make us people

We let ourselves hope with the utterance “I need you.”

 

It’s ok that

We all feel sad sometimes

But I will never let that be the reason we say goodbye.

Truly it is the only reason I still have you by my side.

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Ao Dai

I am loved by this dress.

She graces me with a special, irreplaceable variety of joy.

Her satin body runs across my skin as I adorn her.

She is kind and delicate.

She wishes to do nothing but empower.

She flows in the wind and ignores my flaws.

Her fabric is forgiving and demands very little from me.

She makes me feel beautiful, no matter what.
She is my own blood.

Who she is.

She is a part of me.

I cannot be myself without her.

Even on her bad days

I think she is beautiful.
Fashion is not my reason to love this dress.

Color is not my reason to love this dress.
It is a special occasion.

A moment to celebrate in the clothes that our ancestors wore.

A time to revel in our heritage instead of hiding it.

My sister is the reason I love this color.

My family is the reason I wear my pride.

I love this dress because I feel beautiful in it.

Rain

I ran out of class hoping I could protect myself during those 15 minutes.

I felt dumb for being unprepared

Because I usually have more foresight that this.

 

I knew I would have to run home by myself.

I couldn’t avoid it, and I didn’t want to duck under someone else’s cover.

But I was hoping, foolishly, that someone would be standing outside my classroom door.

I was hoping that a friend knew I needed help.

Even if I never asked for help, I wish my friends would know when I needed it.

 

I hoped she would be standing outside of class

And drive me in the car I lent her

Because that’s the least you can do for your friend.

You can fill up my tank.

You can buy me a drink.

Whatever.

But I wish you talked to me more like you cared.

Talked to me in a way that I could trust you with my own problems.

 

You can’t fight it

You can’t be mad at it either.

It just happens.

And when you get you finally step in a problem

That’s when you know.

Wet socks are the moment you stop fighting

And start accepting.

 

And I wanted to cry

Because I hated going through it alone.

The obstacles itself is not a big deal.

But it feels like you have nothing and no one to protect you.

And I ask myself, “Where are all my friends who can help me?”

And why do I feel like I have to walk through this alone?

 

They aren’t really there for the bad times.

Why would I want them there for the good times?

Why would I want anyone beside me?

Because I can get through this alone.

I have the patience to walk with wet socks

And still be grateful that I made it home alive.

 

If I go to sleep

If I go to sleep

I want to wake up in doggy heaven

And play with endless fields of pugs who don’t have breathing problems.

They would prance through a field

Filled with daisies

And I wouldn’t have to worry about shedding.

 

If I go to sleep

I want to be on the beach.

I want to do yoga on the sand and not fall over.

I want to stand at the water’s edge and sink in.

I want to watch the sunset and not

Get sunburned from staying out all day.

 

If I go to sleep

I want to see my friends every day

And we would dance and drink soju because

Those were the best memories I have still.

We would watch movies in a DVD bang and laugh.

 

If I go to sleep

I would want to see my family and laugh with them too.

They would be happy to see each other

And not fight.

My mom would go to parties and be happy.

My dad would love my mom.

My brother would play games with me and my sister.

My sister would be shopping.

 

If I go to sleep

I want to wake up in a cloud with stuffed animals.

They would be soft and squishy.

I would spend hours in bed with them watching Netflix and listening to audio books.

I would read poetry and pretend to be an actress.

Milk would never spoil so I could eat cereal all the time.

 

If I go to sleep

I want to be a dancer and a gymnast.

I feel too shy in real life to dance and

Too uncoordinated to do flips.

But I like gymnastics

And I’m flexible.

 

If I go to sleep

I wouldn’t want any boyfriends

Because boys are dumb.

I would want a prince who’s perfect, sweet, and kind.

He would do anything for me because he loves me.

He would never do anything to hurt me

And always make sure I am happy.

 

If I go to sleep

I would never go to boring vineyards

Or leave my friends by themselves.

I would hang out with all of them

And they would hang out with each other!

We would go to Six Flags, Cedar Point, have BBQs, and board game nights.

 

If I go to sleep

I’m not sure what people would say

If I never wake up.

I don’t want people to feel bad

Because I like sleeping.

I like it a lot because I get to do whatever I want.

I think I would be happier if I got to sleep all the time.

And sleeping would let me do the things

I don’t get the chance to do

When I’m awake.

 

I wish I could go to sleep

Without ever waking up.

It feels lonelier to be awake because

When I dream I’m around more friends.

I feel happier in my dreams than when I’m awake.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

 

Strong Bitch

When I wanted us to take a break

You thought that I was crazy.

But it’s crazy that you never took the time to fucking hear me.

And you never asked me what you can do better in the future.

So I’m always asking myself if I’m trying too hard to push you.

Then I become the villain when I expect so much out of my boyfriend.

I call it having standards and basic self-respect.

And it’s not my fault you can’t love me more than I love myself.

I don’t see anything wrong with that or else I’d be insecure as hell.

 

If you want to be my boyfriend

You have to be my friend first.

So why is it that you wanted to get out of “friend zone”?

It tells me that you don’t value me as a person,

And that being a friend should naturally lead to being my boyfriend.

So you think you’re the victim because you tried so hard to get out of the friend zone.

And because I rejected you, I don’t deserve respect and you can’t be nice to me anymore?

In reality the “nice guy” wasn’t nice at all. He was nice because he needed some stability in life.

But I’m not your fucking mom and you can’t blame me for not raising you right.

It’s your own goddam fault if you think you deserve any woman just because you think you’re “nice.”

 

So when I see your face now

All I see is a coward.

I want to call you a bitch

But you’re more like a flower.

I’d be insulting myself

If I paid you that compliment.

If you want to be a bad ass bitch

You have to be passionate and confident.

And you’re none of those things

Because feeling entitled isn’t a sign of confidence.

It means that you can’t bear to lose sight of your “God-given” privilege.

 

And you spent more time looking for the latest trend in blazers

Instead of thinking of your girlfriend

And how you could amaze her.

And how could I forget all those hours playing League—

Or whatever fucking game you played.

Does it really matter what it was?

You still sucked at them anyway.

And I know I said I’d love you for even all your flaws

But you embarrass me in front my friends when you tell them you’re a Bronze.

Cause you boast your expertise and then dare them to a challenge.

And it’s somehow disappointing losing badly to a Platinum.

Don’t be so naive and don’t get ahead of yourself.

Stop thinking you’re so smart if you can’t even ask for help.

 

Now I understand

Why you love your shoes so much.

Because they kept your feet on the ground when you walked away from us.

So when you leave the house

I hope you see yourself in the mirror.

While you wear your Brooks Brothers jacket,

Underneath is an attitude of terror.

Your life is a charade.

You try so hard to look put together,

But in your head, you think that people are out there trying to get you.

The reality is you don’t want to make life’s toughest decisions.

Because it’s hard to let a girl go once you’ve committed.

Losing that stability would mean facing more uncertainty

But I’ll never understand how you managed to drag me down with you without ever feeling guilty.

UAG

Breakup Confessions

You tell me you love me

And I want to believe it.

I don’t think I can see it.

I don’t think it’s even there.

When you tell me I’m beautiful

Is that really true?

 

With my heart broken so many times

How can I trust myself to love?

How will I know that the safety I feel isn’t going to dissolve?

How do I know what real love feels like if I every time I’ve said it

I’ve gotten nothing in return?

As that love has gone on unreciprocated

I begin to question if love is even worth chasing.

I begin to wonder if I can really love at all

Since I can’t really quantify my ability to love with decimals.

I’ve never seen the impact of that love

I’ve never been told that my love has done something right.

So what was event the point when

Everything simply culminated into a fight?

When that love disappeared with the wind?

I let those seeds scatter

But I’m still left with nothing.

Nothing grew from them.

They just fell to the ground.

Nothing grew from them.

So you can imagine my reaction

When I said I wouldn’t try that again.

Where did all that love go?

What was it all worth?

I still feel empty-handed.

It’s hard to think back on it

Without still feeling hurt.

 

So how can I love someone else if I can’t love myself?

How can I love him if I don’t see what he sees?

Because in my experience with men

Love changes so easily.

I’ve fallen in love with guys who don’t show it back.

Yeah, I would break up with them.

I can justify myself all day,

But at the end of it all

I’m the one who’s feeling like crap.

Am I just trying to have someone fill the hole I’ve dug myself?

Because it just feels like I’m trying to cover something up.

 

My thoughts are sporadic

And I question myself so much

That it’s hard to come to a decision.

I don’t think I’m ready.

Because it feels way too good to be true.

Nothing feels right

Because I’ve done nothing to deserve this.

I really can’t believe he’s mine.

And I really don’t want to lose my place in line.

So sometimes I want to ask

If I can take a number

Because I need to process what is going on

Before I can say, “I’m ready to order.”

I know I sound ridiculous

But hear me out.

I just have to make sure

You know what you’re getting yourself into

If you ask me to a date.

Because if you break up with me

Everything is fair game.

Because if you break up with me

I will berate you in the most elegant way I can.

That’s one part of me I don’t question

Because that’s just who I am.

UAG